August
2010
My Dirty Little Secret2
I don’t have much time or energy tonight. So I just want to say that I hate that Tshuvah’s leg was amputated. Yes, I’m relieved that her pain is gone and that we have this quality time together…but sometimes I look at her and I hate that this has happened. I hate that my marvelously athletic sweetheart has been slowed, which she has. Sometimes I feel sick in the pit of my stomach just thinking about the loss of her leg. Maybe in part its because I know that the cause of the amputation is also going to amputate her life soon.
I don’t let her know it, when I feel this way. At least I think I don’t let her know it. And it feels like a dirty little secret to hate the amputation because being a tripawd isn’t a bad thing at all; her mobility is good (though not great, as it used to be) and in spite of her diagnosis, she is very strong, happy and healthy. Sometimes it feels like I’m almost supposed to be happy that she’s a tripawd now. I am, but only in the sense that I didn’t have to put her down in order to stop the pain and extend her life.
Tonight I just think that cancer sucks. That my Tshuvah has been disfigured and mauled by cancer, and it makes me sick.
Cancer sucks. It really, really, really does.
I think what is most important is that Tshuvah is “strong, happy and healthy.”
Catie’s will have been a tripawd for seven months this Friday. Except when I look at photographs I can hardly remember she ever had four. Really. Catie always been beautiful but there’s a certain poignantly noble quality to her now. Or perhaps I just see more.
Go give that lovely Tshuvah a hug and a kiss on that sweet spot just above her eyes. 🙂
It’s so hard not to mourn what we’ve lost isn’t it? Even though you know it’s the only reason your sweet Tshuvah is still with you. In your down times, try to focus more on that, that you gave Tshuvah the best gift you could when faced with cancer, a chance to share some more time with the people she loves, doing the things that bring her happiness. We all hate this. And if I were to let myself think of what is gone, rather than what’s still here, I would be very poor company all the time. No one chooses this crap, but we have a choice about how we live with it. We all just do our best.
I hope your spirit raises and you’re able to make peace with what you’ve been dealt.
((hugs)) to you and Tshuvah.
Leslie